Rest In Peace

Here I sit having my morning coffee remembering a day I would just like to forget.  October 4th.....Oh boy here we go.  These past fourteen years have been an experience that's for sure.  There is no word in the English language to describe a parent who has lost a child.  You lose your husband or your wife and you are a widow or a widower; you lose your parents you become an orphan.  Your child dies and you are .......?  Crazy? Grief stricken? Lost? Angry? None of these even comes close and I haven't heard yet if a word has been invented.

I read all the books that were given to me by very kind and well-meaning people about grief and the process one goes through.  I think some of those days, in the early years, I was stuck on the first step.  I honestly can't remember all the steps because I didn't think it was necessary to commit them to memory since I was living it each and every minute of every day.  I found some of the topics helpful since I could relate so well; but on the main they were just nice books to keep me occupied.

As I moved on through the "process" I really didn't feel anything one way or the other.  One day I was good the next day not so good.  I suppose if I learned anything it was to be gentle with myself since I could hardly expect anyone else to deal with me!  I have a quick temper and I normally have to sit on it so being a crazy, grief stricken, lost and angry ex-mother to a son who no longer lived ........ well let's just say it was a challenge to be gentle.

I know there are lots of people in this world who have their share of troubles and who have had heavy burdens to bear their entire lives.  That doesn't take anything away from me and I totally empathize with those who have struggled - especially the parents out there whose children died.

It is not normal for a child to die before the parent and it is certainly not something you plan for.  It is such a total shock to the system that when I look back on it now I understand how adrenaline can take over because without it I would have curled up into a ball and gone into hibernation.  There is so much to do and it all falls on the parents to do it.  Family and friends are great and they can be helpful but in the end it falls on the parents to do right by their child.

What I am talking about is the funeral/memorial service that must take place.  There are so many decisions and we certainly didn't have much experience in this area.  I think we did okay and I really believe that Brett would have loved his own funeral.  We chose the songs very carefully with some help from his friends.  I wrote the eulogy and I recorded it as well since I didn't trust anyone else to do it.  The day of the funeral was a tough, tough day and I was relieved when it was all over and done with.

I invited more chaos into our world when I included the media since I felt that we should.  The fact that Brett was the third young person to die of meningitis in the Capital Health Region was news.  I was also convinced that he would have had a better outcome if he had been attended to in the hospital.  So I put it out there.  To this day Bernie and I haven't really talked about this part of the whole thing.  He willingly talked to the news reporters and I know it was very hard on him.  His message was to immunize against potentially fatal diseases.  We did our best with our children and it still wasn't good enough since that was the one "shot" Brett did not have and it could have saved his life. 

As time went on I kept it up and Bernie did not participate in any of it ever again.  I wrote letters and ranted and raved as best I could and then I stopped too!  Once in a while I have something to say about people who do not immunize their children.  I honestly don't care if I step on anyone's toes.  I mean, seriously, why would you think that the government was conspiring to kill you off with vaccines??  Oh, and why would you spend money on "natural" cures and line some quack's pocket when vaccines do not cost you a nickel?? 

And so it goes.  I'm good.  We have moved on with our lives and tenderly step around that empty place in our hearts that represents all the grief and sorrow a parent feels when their child dies and is gone forever.  We move forward because that is the only place to go.  Some days are still really good and some days I would rather forget.  That's life.

Every year up until this year I put a memorial tribute to Brett in three local papers.  This year I stopped and I don't think I will do it again.  We remember, we will never forget and that is all that counts.

Rest in peace Brett.