Rest In Peace

Here I sit having my morning coffee remembering a day I would just like to forget.  October 4th.....Oh boy here we go.  These past fourteen years have been an experience that's for sure.  There is no word in the English language to describe a parent who has lost a child.  You lose your husband or your wife and you are a widow or a widower; you lose your parents you become an orphan.  Your child dies and you are .......?  Crazy? Grief stricken? Lost? Angry? None of these even comes close and I haven't heard yet if a word has been invented.

I read all the books that were given to me by very kind and well-meaning people about grief and the process one goes through.  I think some of those days, in the early years, I was stuck on the first step.  I honestly can't remember all the steps because I didn't think it was necessary to commit them to memory since I was living it each and every minute of every day.  I found some of the topics helpful since I could relate so well; but on the main they were just nice books to keep me occupied.

As I moved on through the "process" I really didn't feel anything one way or the other.  One day I was good the next day not so good.  I suppose if I learned anything it was to be gentle with myself since I could hardly expect anyone else to deal with me!  I have a quick temper and I normally have to sit on it so being a crazy, grief stricken, lost and angry ex-mother to a son who no longer lived ........ well let's just say it was a challenge to be gentle.

I know there are lots of people in this world who have their share of troubles and who have had heavy burdens to bear their entire lives.  That doesn't take anything away from me and I totally empathize with those who have struggled - especially the parents out there whose children died.

It is not normal for a child to die before the parent and it is certainly not something you plan for.  It is such a total shock to the system that when I look back on it now I understand how adrenaline can take over because without it I would have curled up into a ball and gone into hibernation.  There is so much to do and it all falls on the parents to do it.  Family and friends are great and they can be helpful but in the end it falls on the parents to do right by their child.

What I am talking about is the funeral/memorial service that must take place.  There are so many decisions and we certainly didn't have much experience in this area.  I think we did okay and I really believe that Brett would have loved his own funeral.  We chose the songs very carefully with some help from his friends.  I wrote the eulogy and I recorded it as well since I didn't trust anyone else to do it.  The day of the funeral was a tough, tough day and I was relieved when it was all over and done with.

I invited more chaos into our world when I included the media since I felt that we should.  The fact that Brett was the third young person to die of meningitis in the Capital Health Region was news.  I was also convinced that he would have had a better outcome if he had been attended to in the hospital.  So I put it out there.  To this day Bernie and I haven't really talked about this part of the whole thing.  He willingly talked to the news reporters and I know it was very hard on him.  His message was to immunize against potentially fatal diseases.  We did our best with our children and it still wasn't good enough since that was the one "shot" Brett did not have and it could have saved his life. 

As time went on I kept it up and Bernie did not participate in any of it ever again.  I wrote letters and ranted and raved as best I could and then I stopped too!  Once in a while I have something to say about people who do not immunize their children.  I honestly don't care if I step on anyone's toes.  I mean, seriously, why would you think that the government was conspiring to kill you off with vaccines??  Oh, and why would you spend money on "natural" cures and line some quack's pocket when vaccines do not cost you a nickel?? 

And so it goes.  I'm good.  We have moved on with our lives and tenderly step around that empty place in our hearts that represents all the grief and sorrow a parent feels when their child dies and is gone forever.  We move forward because that is the only place to go.  Some days are still really good and some days I would rather forget.  That's life.

Every year up until this year I put a memorial tribute to Brett in three local papers.  This year I stopped and I don't think I will do it again.  We remember, we will never forget and that is all that counts.

Rest in peace Brett.

AAAHHHH vacation time at last

It seems I only write on this thing when we are on vacation.  I posted in the summer but I didn't have anything even remotely funny to say since it was an uneventful time!  It is more interesting if there is a story to tell.  That's why I am not going to the Okanagan again because nothing interesting happened the last trip so we need to change it up!

It took three days of serious driving to get down here and I am sitting in my "new office" in Scottsdale, Arizona where we will be until the end of the month. 

We set out about nine in the morning (VERY GOOD FOR US), on Sept. 29th.  I do believe that was a Monday since I have lost track of time and dates.  We drove and drove and drove and got to Helena, Montana and the Super 8 Motel around 5 p.m.  It was okay if you like dumpy motels.  However, it was cheap and that is the operative word when staying in motels whilst travelling to a more posh location.  No pictures of the motel, it was not worth the effort!  It was clean but of course they put us in the section where I am sure it used to be smoking - now it is for pets.  Go figure.  Our dogs do not smell like ashtrays......well, they did for a while after we got the heck out of that room! 

We set out in search of food and found a Wal Mart, got some beer instead.  No, just kidding.  Well, we did get beer but we also found a Burger King and I ran in and got some take out.  My chicken tender grill thing was all right, but there was so much mayo and other stuff on it that the meat wouldn't stay put - rather juicy and messy and all in all tasteless, but it satisfied my hunger pangs.  We had stopped for gas in Great Falls prior to this and I tried to get money from an ATM at the gas station/casino.  Get this....the ATM was out of order.  I mean, really, how does that happen in a Casino??  We managed to find a bank/ATM in Helena without too much trouble.  Well, it is always trouble when Betty our GPS tells us how to get somewhere.

New paragraph.....but about Betty.  It is not really Betty's fault since we need to do important stuff like find hotels, restaurants, Wal Marts and ATMs in the dark.  That is the bad part about travelling in October, the sun goes down before we are prepared.  We drove around and around the motel before it got dark and as twilight was approaching we finally maneuvered into position.  Of course it gets tense, the dogs perk up their ears, the air gets blue, blame is solidly put on one another at various times and then we arrive. 
So much for Helena and the cheap Super 8.  They had "free" WiFi that didn't work worth a damn and that frustrated me.  In the morning I went down for Continental breakfast - I had coffee and grabbed some yogurt.  I also took my phone and got hooked up to the WiFi and used my Expedia App to book a room at America's Best Value Inn in Cedar City, Utah.  Cheap - only 43 bucks.  I wasn't expecting much but nothing could be worse than the one we were leaving behind for good.

We were on the road by a quarter after nine and it was a looooooong day.  We stopped at Dell, Montana - population 35, home of the Calf-A restaurant where I am sure they served very good food.  We didn't stop there, just for gas at the Dell Mercantile Grocery.....or something like that.  It was raining so I didn't take any pictures.  I took over driving at Dell. 

You can just zip along on the I-15, 80 miles an hour, 70 for trucks - at least for the most part.  It varies, but never lower than 65 unless there is construction or populated areas.  We changed Betty's settings to MPH so as not to make any blatant errors with our speed - who needs a speeding ticket. 

So I drove and drove and drove.  Out of Montana, through Idaho and into Utah.  I stopped in Ogden, Utah before we got to Salt Lake.  I was worn right out.  We got gas, slipped into the store again for  Subway sandwiches and let the dogs out for a while.  Prior to this it rained, and rained and rained - hard.  I was a little cheesed off because I couldn't go 80; too much hydroplaning going on to suit me.  Of course there is lots of traffic and a real challenge to stay alert. 

Bernie took over driving and away we went again.  We got hung up on the interstate going by Salt Lake.  I am sure we were there for more than half an hour just crawling along.  At least it stopped raining.  We drove and drove and drove some more, stopping at a truck stop so the dogs could get out for a while - Sarge was really whining.  Then we drove and drove some more in the dark which was a lot of fun, glad Bernie was at the wheel.  Finally, we got to Cedar City and let Betty show us the way to the Inn!  We missed the first turn, pulled a U-turn and got there all in one piece.  It was about 8 o'clock or something like that.  (Like I said I lose track of time.) 

I went in to the hotel to check in and the desk clerk tells me that he does not have a reservation.......So.......I went out to the car, grabbed my phone, got connected to their WiFi and checked my e-mails for a confirmation.  I couldn't find it, but I did have the confirmation on my Expedia App.  That was not good enough because the hotel did not have a Fax or anything from Expedia.  So I had to call Expedia, and I talked to Mamood who probably lives in Egypt, or India or somewhere not Canada or North America.  In the end he had to call the hotel.....I mean I was standing right there......then he sends an e-mail to the hotel.......then when I tell him that I am not happy with Expedia he blamed the hotel.  I hung up on him. 

We got checked in and the desk clerk waived the fee for the dogs, nice of him.  We were on the ground floor, easy to get in and out.  We hauled all the stuff in the room - WOW!, it was an awesome room with a gigantic bathroom, king size bed, very clean, didn't smell like old smoke.  A very nice place and I would recommend America's Best Value Inns to anyone.  43 bucks.......that is a steal of a deal.  Denny's was right in the area and they give 20% off if you are staying in the hotel.  We didn't go there since we just left the dogs in the car and walked to Dairy Queen.  Easier.  I put in our Dairy Queen order and the girl working the counter asks if we are from Utah.  I said, "No, we are Canadians, can't you tell?"  She said she thought we were something, not from Utah!  ha ha  So then she starts asking about Canadian stuff and I had some twenties and a ten in my wallet so I show them to her.  She is so impressed with the money so I told her to hold it for a while just to get the feel of it........plastic money since they were brand new bills.  She asks what the picture is and we tell her it is the Parliament buildings in Ottawa, which is the capital of Canada.  She wondered if we could use American money in Canada - I told her that we don't.  I also dug out a loonie and a toonie and she was really impressed!  She called us Snowbirds and said she has an Aunt in Canada but she doesn't know where - somewhere over the border.  There was a guy standing at the end of the counter and he was very amused by the whole conversation!  Honestly, we know so much about the States but most ordinary Americans that we encounter in our journeys know very little.  I am proud, that's all. I learned one new thing - and I tried Fry Sauce (a mixture of ketchup and mayo). 

So we got our Dairy Queen and headed back to the hotel.  Once we ate, got the dogs fed and watered and settled in for the night I think I was asleep by ten - just played right out and knowing we had to get up in the morning and do it all over again. 

On the road again October 1st, last day of driving for a while, and we were up and driving by 9 a.m.  Betty tried to lead us out of town the wrong way.  Well, it was the right way according to her, but we didn't want to go that way.  We just found I-15 south and continued on.  She finally got a clue about an hour or so into our journey and quite "recalculating".  I muted her. 

The temperature just soared today and we got a kick out of watching it go from 7 degrees to 20 in no time flat.  We drove out of Utah, into Arizona, out of Arizona, into Nevada and then back into Arizona.  I bought a map in Cedar City and we got a better one later on just so we could challenge Betty with some authority.  Bernie drove until we got out of the Las Vegas area.  That was interesting.....there was a huge delay on the freeway and we just sat in traffic.  I took over the driving somewhere along the line, can't remember exactly where but it was after we got out of that traffic jam.  Then I got into one of my own.  I can't believe that people lean on their horns in a traffic jam.  I mean, where the hell do they think anyone can go except forward a few inches at a time.  It was interesting with a stick shift since some of it was on an incline.  I wish I had let the car roll a little further back and given that stupid ass something to honk about. 

I finally pulled off since I had enough driving for the day.  It was now 30 degrees and the dogs were shocked when we let them out for a little walk and pee break.  The place we stopped at was a visitor centre for the Grand Canyon and a gas station. 

Finally we got closer to Phoenix and Betty lead us in quite smartly.  The traffic was crazy and stupid and somewhat civilized.  She lead us right to where we needed to go and we stopped at the gate since we had to check in and get our parking pass.  The Security Guard on duty was a little slow on the uptake but we finally got him to check for a parking pass, and confirmed who we were.  After a little hiccup we found our condo, unlocked the door and we ARRIVED!  I opened the door and hollered, "Honey I'm home!"  just in case the last tenant forgot to leave.

Well, then we needed some groceries since we hadn't eaten since the visitor centre where I bought a sandwich which we shared.  So......we set out to find a grocery store, in the dark again.  I wanted to go to Fry's Marketplace but for some reason we hit the wrong store......not that it mattered because we missed the turn anyway and ended up on the freeway.  After some maneuvering, slamming on of brakes, close calls with curbs and just overall frustration we arrived at Fry's.

Bernie stayed in the car with the dogs and I set out to find the front entrance since we were parked close by but not exactly nearby.  I grabbed a cart and away I went.  I knew what I wanted but sometimes it is hard to do a quick shop when nothing is familiar.  I will do better next time.  I filled up the cart and got in line and as the check out lady was ringing up my purchases she said that it was Senior Discount Day.  Well I asked how old you had to be to be a senior and she said 55.  So I said, I'm on that with a few more years!  So then she asks for my Fry's card and I said I didn't have one because I am a Canadian and we don't have Fry's in Canada.  She looked disappointed but then the guy behind me says, "Go back to Canada, it is colder there!"  She asked him if I could use his card and he said of course I could.  So we were set.  I saved 35 bucks, he got the points and fuel points too.  Everybody was happy.  The bag boy helped me out and we walked about half a mile to the car.  He loaded everything up for me and we were on our way.

Groceries got unpacked, dogs got fed and watered, WiFi was hooked up, T.V. was on for a football game or something, blankets put on the furniture since the dogs are going to jump up there even if they aren't supposed to, pizza put in the oven, beer consumed (16 ounce aluminum bottles of Budweiser - 20 bucks for 24)  What can I say?

This morning I took the picture of my new office.  It is now 11:45 a.m., Bernie just got up.  I was awake at 6:30 to take the dogs out for a pee break.  I went back to bed but I couldn't sleep so I got up and took them out for a longer walk before it got too hot.  It is currently 29 degrees and rising.  Life is good.