Yesterday after taking yet another yearly course to update my Basic Live Saver skills I thought about it all afternoon while trying to keep up with the compressions and the airways and all the information. October 4, 2000.....everything is as clear as a bell and I wish I would just lose my mind.
I can hear the phone ringing, I remember getting up to answer it and recognizing Brett's number on the call display. Bernie had already left for his physio appointment in Coronation and I was awake but not wanting to get up just yet. I grumbled a little, I wish I hadn't.......7:00 a.m., what could he possibly be wanting to tell me at this hour. His voice was strained, he was sick and he told me all about it and I regret to this day that I didn't go to him right away. That's what mothers are for; but he did not want me to so I didn't, he just wanted to talk.
I went to my Standard Ed. Day - anyone around at that time will know that we had to take a whole day of education as part of the health care system. The morning we learned about WHIMS, and OH&S, etc. etc. It was actually fun. I remember telling Wendy A. about Brett's early morning call and we talked about colds and flu. I told her I was kind of worried. We went for lunch at the cafeteria - some kind of taco salad thing - I floated a two dollar loan to Wendy and we joked about it. Then the phone call from Bernie. Irene L. walking through the link with the portable phone and I had to call him back because the connection was poor. He tells me Brett called, he didn't sound good and he was worried about him.
All the phone calls from Assisted Living to Brett to tell him to call an ambulance and how he started to cry and I just hung up. My phone call to 911 and to Edmonton and finally to him again to tell him that they were on their way. Flying home to tell Bernie what I was doing, packing a bag, flying again to Edmonton, trying to concentrate on my driving. Three people previously saying the word "meningitis" to me........I couldn't even think and then when I got to Camrose I realized that my phone wasn't turned on so I pulled over and talked to Bernie, talked to Nicholas. First Brett is in the hospital, then he isn't, then he is again. I don't know what the hell is going on and Bernie is telling me that Brett thinks he has chicken pox and I told him about the meningitis thing. It was all so unreal but I can still see my hands gripping the wheel of that van and willing it to just go.
So I get to Edmonton and go to get Nicholas at his place and we get to the hospital and Bernie calls to say that Brett is at home. He lived just a few blocks away. So we peel out of there and get to his place. He never did give me a key so I have to lean on the bell. Nicholas is just following me, he is so scared but I was glad he was there. We just ran up those stairs and into his apartment and out of the bedroom he comes with purple spots all over his face. I rummaged through a pile of things and found his keys and we just got the hell out of there. He was bigger than both of us and fought us the whole way, not well, not very coherent except that he did tell us about his previous encounter at the hospital. I wasn't sure at the time how he got there - found out later he took a cab and he must have either walked home after he left the Emergency Dept. or called another cab, who knows. He did not go with the ambulance that I know.
We got him to the Royal Alex. and wheeled him in. They just stared at him.....I think now that they all knew they screwed up royally. A young man walks into ER, purple spots on his face, and they tell him to wait. So they ask him why he walked out and he just shrugged but I knew it was because he could and because all you could hear in that crazy place was people being told they would have to wait for three hours. I wanted to scream but I didn't. Nicholas was a wreck and he came into the examination room with us but left soon after to just sit in the waiting room. The Dr. was no help, she knew too, it was too late. By the time they got him to the trauma room he was dead and I knew it I just did not want to believe it, who would.
The doctor booted me out of the trauma room, I wanted to stay, the other doctor thought I should. I left because I was just being obedient. Nicholas and I sat in the Quiet Room for another half hour before we were told Brett was dead.
Everything is so clear - the people who talked to us, the long walk to the room where he lay dead, the drive back to Nicholas's apartment, the trip to the pharmacy for the drug I was supposed to take, the phone calls to all the family. Bernie finally getting to Edmonton around ten o'clock, I don't know how he endured it. What the hell, this wasn't really happening was it?
What were we supposed to do now? All the bloody phone calls from health people, so called important people expressing their sympathy in one breath and then trying to discourage us from going public. Well, that is when the "Bonnie" in me kicked in and a couple of days later I told them all to go to hell I was going to the media and his name would be released. He wasn't going to be just another one of their goddamn statistics, the 39th or 40th or whatever it was to contract meningitis in the Capital Region. I wasn't putting up with that crap. He was the 3rd death. Wow. Only three? Well that must mean it's not that bad so why worry. Oh no, I was putting a face to this and to all the screw ups along the way. I was told by someone that the doctor who saw him the day before he died must be feeling really bad. Well I hope he did because how the hell did he think we felt?
I wondered if all of these important people would now like to plan a funeral for our son. We of course did not have much experience in this area and it was all new ground to cover.
Our house was full of people. All the family came. All of our friends, Brett's friends. We had enough food to feed an army, our cupboards were loaded, the fridge was full, the freezer was filled to capacity. Everybody was wonderful, we would not have made it through those first few days without all the people. Complete strangers called us. As a family we walked to the Church for the funeral, it wasn't very far, we had nothing but time. It was a beautiful warm day. Our family was wonderful to get things together, lots of pictures, lots of memories to share. I of course had to record the Eulogy because I didn't want anybody else to read it. Just the "Bonnie" coming out in me again. Bernie couldn't quit crying, I had to hold it all together. I lost it when I saw the bus full of our hockey family. We made it through, the sun still rose and set. Everyone else's world kept on turning. Ours had stopped.
I saved all the newspaper clippings, I saved everything and made a scrapbook later. It made me feel better.
Now I can't go through anything so I am glad that I forced myself to do that scrapbook. We have a closet full of Brett's things and there is a great big t.v. sitting in front of it. I cannot go through it again. I was forced to when we moved from Veteran but I think it will just stay there forever. I open the door and I just shut it again.
In the days, weeks and months following Brett's death from meningitis we encountered the good and the bad. Mostly the good came from all the people who just surrounded us and put their arms around us. I am so grateful for that, I still am. In some ways I am more affected by everything now than I was then. I just pull back and let everything wash all over me because I do not want anyone around. No one really.
Since I have a way with words I wrote countless letters to the editor. I contacted just about every major newspaper in Canada. I was on a mission to get the message out about this terrible disease and the fact that there are vaccines that can prevent another tragedy.
Years later I still marvel at all the people I have come in contact with and formed strange relationships with because of Brett's death. Dee and Sherry two moms who lost a daughter and a son to meningitis the same year. We formed what I referred to as "the grief and crying club". They were a source of strength, courage and inspiration to me. I lived in a little world of my own. I struggled at work and I had to take a leave of absence, I became this person who lived in front of the computer scanning all the news stories from everywhere for meningitis cases. I wrote letters to health regions in Alberta and asked them for their stats on meningitis. Some of them questioned why I would ask and when I told them they just sent along the info. We had endured some rude treatment from a local health care manager and I fought back against that as well. I wasn't putting up with any crap. They phoned and invited me to be present for the mass immunizations but I declined. We saw lawyers and got information that might have lead to a lawsuit, but in the end it went no where. Just as well. Ironic that 75% of the information we paid them to get I actually got for nothing! I was very forceful. I put it out there, the media lapped it up, we worked together. I knew they had their bottom line and I had mine. Eventually I tapered off because I was really losing my way. I had to let go of a few things and I did.
Bernie and I went on a Cross Canada Cycling trip with the Tour du Canada. It was just what we needed. I am glad he talked me into it. We discovered that we both had a lot of healing to do.
What a journey it has been. I miss my son every day. I am forever changed and some days I don't like myself very much. Some days I don't even understand myself very well. Over all, I have learned, I have moved forward.
Every October 4th I will remember, I will cry all over again, I will always wonder what if......it won't matter how much time passes.
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| Drive on Brett |
Yes you do have a way with words... xo
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